I Came [Here] Tonight Thinking I Was Beautiful, But What I Found Out Was That I'm Fat

For those readers who aren't quite as TV-addicted as me, the above title is a paraphrased quote from the series Designing Women.  Probably, one of my all time favorites, entitled They Shoot Fat Women, Don't They?  It originally aired on December 11, 1989 on CBS and was, by all accounts, the "Star Turn" (as in, featured moment) for one of the lead actors on the show, Delta Burke, who portrayed Suzanne Sugarbaker.  Suzanne, as fellow fans of the show will remember, was a former Miss Georgia and continued through life as though the tiara never left her perfectly coiffed head.  Meanwhile, back in the real world, Delta Burke had been putting on weight which, oddly enough, carried over to her on-air alter-ego. For some time before this episode aired, Delta Burke had been publicly ridiculed about her weight gain. The barbs were also directed toward her ability to continue to play Suzanne Sugarbaker.  I remember during that time, a local Washington, DC radio station (WRQX-FM, Q107, as it was known then) would periodically air Loony Tunes; parodies of well-known songs.  A huge favorite of mine, which they'd broadcast during the holidays and sung by an all-male chorus to the tune of Walking In A Winter Wonderland, was Walking 'Round In Women's Underwear.  To commemorate, or more accurately cruelly mock Ms. Burke's growing girth, they aired their version of the Tanya Tucker/Helen Reddy hit Delta Dawn, the Looney Tune title of which escapes me.  However, the lyrics included Delta Burke, You Can't Even Close Your Shirt have stayed with me for these past 20-something years.  To Delta's and the series Producers' credit, they took the proverbial Bull by the Horns, or in this case the Tiara by the Rhinestones, and used Delta's/Suzanne's weight gain as an opportunity to simultaneously call attention to world hunger and aptly demonize the notion that a former beauty queen who has put on a few pounds has lost not only her crown but her looks.  The monologue from which the quote is a part, was delivered as Suzanne accepts an award at her High School Reunion, for the Person Most Changed.  Indeed, her character has in more than just superficial ways.  I believe Delta Burke won an Emmy for that episode.  If so, rightly so.

So, how does this relate to me? Aside from my love of all things Sugarbaker (and Deveraux, Zbornak, Nylund & Petrillo - but that's for another blog entry), my weight odyssey was more of a reverse of Suzanne Sugarbaker's/Delta Burke's.  I was always a large person.  Oh Hell, let's just call a spade a spade.  I was fat.  Pretty much all of my life.  There was a brief period during my freshman year of college when I actually shed 54 pounds in less than a year, but that was not a healthy weight loss.  It was largely attributed to being away from home for the first time, having no other meal choices than nearly inedible cafeteria food and being 4-hours away from my own refrigerator.  The dormitory where I stayed didn't allow mini-fridges.  Of course, it was cold enough in Elmira, New York to place certain necessities, such as beer, on the window sill and keep them cold.  Well, frozen actually.  The other non-healthy aspect was there was virtually no exercise involved, aside from walking a rather small campus.  In early 2001, my husband & I decided we needed to look halfway decent for a gay cruise we had booked for February of 2002, so we joined Weight Watchers.  While we both experienced success, neither of us completely met our goal weight and commitment to exercise was sporadic.  I've since learned that setting a short-term goal (i.e., a cruise) is not best practice.  Indeed, once the ship docked, I descended, rather, ascended back to pre-Weight Watchers poundage.  A brief try at the Atkins Diet a few years later was a complete failure for me.  I refer to it as the Devil's Diet, since once I stopped the carbohydrate deprivation, I gained about three times as much as I lost!  My hubby also watched his cholesterol level spike on this plan, which was when the last fried pork rind hit the can.  I'll admit that it works form many, but not me.  I cannot be on any weight loss plan that begins with You can't eat [fill in the blank].  I will immediately crave whatever is contained in that blank and, thus, fail.  In July of 2010, Brian & I both decided it was time to give Weight Watchers another try.  By then, I had already established a fairly good workout routine, including a dance aerobics class that I loved.  Of course, if you eat more calories than you exercise away, guess what?  You don't lose weight!  By August of 2011, I had met my goal weight, which was 90 pounds less than when I started.  I often joke that losing the weight was part of our move-to-Palm-Springs-downsizing efforts.  In truth, I attribute my success at this round of Weight Watchers to both the plan itself, which morphs dramatically over the years as new weight loss discoveries are made, and the leader of our group in Silver Spring, Maryland.  She was absolutely inspiring.

Goal weight for Weight Watchers is determined either by Weight Watchers own range OR, and this is key, your physician's recommendation. My doctor at the time agreed that even the ranges listed on his computer system were a bit off, so he wrote a note, which is all Weight Watchers requires, to determine my goal weight.  As it happens, this number is 11 pounds greater than the top of the Weight Watchers range, based on my height and gender.  Once you reach goal and remain within 2 pounds plus or minus, you become a Lifetime member of Weight Watchers, get a little gold key and no longer have to pay to go to meetings.  You just need to weigh-in once per month.  As you approach your goal, the leaders and check-in folks at the Centers encourage you to apply to become one of them.  Being the ham that I am, I was far from non-participatory at the weekly meetings.  I was often the comic relief.  I had been told by more than one of my fellow members that I should become a Meeting Leader.

Flash forward a few months and roughly 2500 miles west.  I attended a few of the local Weight Watchers meetings which in the Palm Springs area, are held at either churches or hotel conference rooms.  The closest actual Center is 40 miles away.  It was at one of these meetings when I officially became a Lifetime member.  A happy milestone for me, but slightly bittersweet since I was unable to celebrate this success with my former Leader and members in Silver Spring.  Regardless, the little gold key I received to commemorate the achievement is worn around my neck nearly every day.  I then submitted my application to Weight Watchers in pursuit of employment as a Meeting Leader.  Although it took a bit of time to receive a response, I was eventually invited to attend an Informational Meeting as part of the screening process.  As I reported in my previous blog, my travels to and from this meeting were a scary, snowy mess!  However, I received a lot of good information, including the happy fact that an actual Weight Watchers Center is opening in Palm Springs within the next couple of weeks!  One that will be within biking distance of our house!  Good signs, indeed.  Then comes the gotcha'.  Since Weight Watchers is, after all, in the business of weight, employees are required to remain within 2 pounds of their goal weight, just like a Lifetime member.  If you opt to become a Receptionist (the person who checks you in, takes your money, sells products and....records your weight), your goal weight can be set by your doctor, just as mine was.  However, Meeting Leaders must remain within the actual Weight Watchers weight range! The Territory Manager who led the meeting told me she would check with her uppers to see if there is some flexibility with that rule since, as even she put it, "You look just fine the way you are."   Gosh.  Thanks.  I'm not willing to force additional weight loss that I'm uncomfortable with and that even my physician feels is not medically sound just to satisfy an arbitrary requirement for a very part-time job.  It's been over a week since the meeting and there's been no additional contact from the TM.  At the risk of sounding self-righteous, I was a more than a bit put off by their restriction and am not inclined to doggedly pursue the opportunity.

Well, I came there that night thinking I was at goal but found out I was fat.  OK, not fat, but suddenly and oddly out of range. And no, I did not come home, angrily pull a cheesecake from the freezer and sit down and eat the whole thing with two other Golden Girls.  But this is not Miami, I am neither golden nor a girl, and that reference is for another blog.

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